It is 7:30 am and I am committing a sin. I forgot to soak almonds last night to make almond milk this morning, and I did not want to go without my morning cappuccino.

So I made it with raw milk. And it is soooooo good. OMG, like, heavenly.

Of course, my conscience (and my husband) were quick to point out to me the error of my ways. But I was defiant. I am on  my 2nd one.

Did you know that the word “sin” is an old English archery term that means “to miss the mark”? I am missing the mark of avowed veganism this morning with my choice to have milk.

Seeing as how I am at the halfway point today, I’m taking it as an exemption. Or a Mulligan. Tonight, I will be sure to soak those almonds…

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Green smoothie for breakfast, a bowl of carrot soup and some gluten free crackers for lunch. It has just occurred to me that in 14 days I have not craved meat once. Eggs, yes. Cheese, yes. Even raw milk. But not chicken or fish or beef. Interesting.

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Looking back over what I have been eating, it’s clear I’m not eating enough fruits and vegetables. In fact, I see that what I have been doing is careening – and I will explain this –

It’s my aim with my blog to be as candid as possible about my experience. This is an experiment. But it is also a chapter in my story about my relationship with food. It is my struggles with food, with how and what and when to feed myself, that has driven me to the healing arts.

When I became bulimic as a teenager, all I could think was “Why?” and “How do I get better?”. My need to get well, on every level, drove me to many books and workshops and classes, and slowly – ridiculously slowly in many ways – I have grown to greater and greater levels of balance and wellness with food and with my body. Not easy to do in this culture that seeds us with self-loathing.

But I’m not completely there, and looking back, for the first time in my life keeping a food journal, I can see a pattern playing out and have some perspective on it.

And what I mean by careening is not taking the time to feed myself properly, getting too hungry, and eating large amounts of carbohydrates as both a soothing gesture and a reward. This is a lifelong pattern that started with the box of Lucky charms in the closet  (see earlier post).

This is what I have been doing the last few days, and it makes me crave pizza for breakfast and entire bags of macaroons in one sitting. Today I ate an entire bag of gluten free seed crackers with my carrot soup.

Now, I know that compared to how many people eat, what I am doing is really tame. But it’s not my aim. My aim is to feed myself as well and as mindfully as I possibly can. And doing that takes time and planning.

I know that I am luckier than most in that I make my own schedule and walk home for lunch. I think I need to add an additional 15 minutes to my lunchtime so I don’t feel pressed and really give myself time to stretch out the preparing and eating of my midday meal. That’s what the Europeans do. Makes sense. And then I will just work a little later in the afternoon.

I’m going to think about slowing down, expanding time so that I feel that I have enough time to nourish myself properly.